the fool for love

2012-02-14T17:23:00.003-05:00

I like Valentine's Day. Sometimes I feel like it's not cool to say this. When I'm single, I can still eat the chocolate, and I like all the red and pink everywhere. When I was a kid, I loved picking out a pack of little cards and writing them out to each of my classmates, then decorating a box to collect them at the class party.

And I've never bought into this idea that if you're in a relationship, you shouldn't need a day to force you to be nice or buy presents . . . it's just a consumer holiday . . . yadda yadda cynical unhappiness. I actually like the excuse to go out of my way and come up with something romantic or sweet. How is that a bad thing?

This year, for the first time in a long time, I am actually in a relationship for Valentine's Day! It's a rather new relationship, so there was some uncertainty, and it's long distance, which is not ideal for obvious reasons. But we saw each other this weekend in Chicago for a friend's birthday, and we each had thought ahead and brought little V-Day treats, which was awesome. Sure we would have had a good time without it, but it added to the fun. And today I have Godiva chocolates to munch on and nice memories of a good weekend.

Happy Valentine's Day to all you fools out there! May you always have chocolate and kittehs.

getting political

2012-01-04T17:31:00.002-05:00

This is not a politics blog, but every now and then something political overlaps with my thoughts on dating and relationships, and that is happening now. Yesterday, Iowa held its Republican caucus, and in a surprise twist, Rick Santorum nearly won. Santorum is an ultra-conservative with some really scary ideas.

He thinks that contraception is "not okay" and that sex is only for married couples who are procreating:

[Sex] is supposed to be within marriage. It’s supposed to be for purposes that are yes, conjugal…but also procreative. That’s the perfect way that a sexual union should happen…This is special and it needs to be seen as special.

Also:

Many of the Christian faith have said, well, that’s okay, contraception is okay. It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.

WHAT?!? Why is this even coming up in a political setting? And who is he to decide what is okay or not? This is what scares me: that this man wants to be president, and he wants to inflict his prudishness on our whole country. He'll try to find ways to use laws and funding cuts to regulate our sex lives. He'll have a huge platform for sending harmful messages about sex, which could lead to a lot of shame -- especially in teens who are still coming to terms with their sexuality.

And let's just be honest here. Sex IS fun, and it should be, and those of us who are not married and trying for children deserve to be able to make our own decisions about whether to have it or not. I mean, I'm a 37-year-old divorcee who has been dating for the past decade. I'm not jumping into bed with every guy I come across, but I've had some relationships, and yes, those relationships have involved sex. And that was the RIGHT kind of "sexual union." It was "special" and it was "how things are supposed to be." Because I am a grown woman who can make my own decisions and be smart about my health and my life and I know that things that give me pleasure are not evil.

I don't know what it is about Santorum that appealed to 25% of the Iowa caucus voters. I do know that he doesn't really have a chance at either the Republican nomination or the presidency, so I'm not panicking. But I am despairing a little bit that this kind of sex-negative attitude is being supported at all.

boobs, bling, and the bachelor

2012-01-03T12:18:00.003-05:00

Even though it's been on for a zillion seasons and most (all?) of the contestants are wanna-be actors rather than people actually interested in finding love, The Bachelor is one of my favorite TV shows. I was newly divorced when the first season aired, and the show brought out a number of emotions I was feeling at the time: cynicism, hope, bitterness, panic, new potential for romance. I was fascinated and horrified that the women would line themselves up and wait with fake-smiling faces for the guy to call their names and give them a rose.
On last night's episode, I was horrified and fascinated by the way the women's dresses stayed up without any nip slips (how do they do that?). For the first time, I don't see any appealing traits in the chosen bachelor (I thought he was dull as dirt when he was a contestant last season, and I think the same still). Rumors for the past few years have been that the show is mostly scripted, that the lead is told who to pick for the most drama, and even that the final couple is paid by the show to stay together for a certain amount of time. So I don't watch it anymore with the hopes of watching a real romance unfold (though I'm still an optimist at heart and usually start to believe that there is something real there . . . until the post-season stories come out and I realize I was fooled again! I really am a fool for love). I think the show is a strange showcase of dating/relationship DOs and DON'Ts. Basically, whatever is happening on the screen is something to avoid in real life:

On The Bachelor:	In real life:
DO make a memorable first impression by doing something wacky, such as riding up on a horse or reciting a poem you wrote because you’ve stalked the bachelor online.	DON’T be the crazy person that everyone talks about the next day.
DO show as much cleavage as possible while wearing a sparkly dress, sparkly jewelry, body glitter, and sparkly shoes.	DON’T show up for a first date dressed for the slutty prom.
DO tell the bachelor, within minutes of meeting him, that you are hoping to get married and have lots of babies, you are open for love, and you hope to have a ring from him soon.	DON’T come on too strong or act desperate.
DO happily go on dates with the bachelor and several other women at the same time.	DON’T date a player unless you want to get played.
DON’T have a conversation about anything other than the “journey,” the reasons you are there, the other women and why you hate them, and how soon you want to get married.	DO talk about normal things like your job and the books you’ve read and attempt to get to know the other person.

I don't mean to say that you shouldn't show off your quirkiness a little and be yourself, or act overly casual because you're afraid of scaring someone off. But I think we can all agree that one of the reasons that The Bachelor is so popular is because of the "what was s/he thinking?!" train-wrecky-ness of the whole thing. I can watch the show and think, "well, I've made some bad decisions when it comes to dating, but at least I never did/said that!" It's a comfort wrapped up in entertainment and tied in the bow of a guilty pleasure.

a kiss at midnight

2011-12-29T10:24:00.002-05:00

This New Year's Eve, I will be with the new boyfriend, and I am giddy at the thought of having a kiss at midnight. I think this is only the second time this has happened for me. This holiday is actually a sad one for me and my family, because three years ago my step-father was fatally injured on the afternoon of New Year's Eve. You can imagine that this puts a damper on the festivities, so I tend to keep things low-key, but I'm glad to have something to celebrate this year. A few friends are coming to my place to ring in the new year together, and my mom is even coming in an attempt to fight off the doldrums.

What are your plans for New Year's Eve? Do you have any good (or bad!) stories of past celebrations, midnight kisses, or resolutions gone wrong? (I do, and I'll share if you do.)

analyzing

2011-12-13T20:52:00.002-05:00

In my very first blog post, I admitted that I am an overanalyzer and that this blog would be a place for me to vent all my insecurities. This is what I wrote:

One of my weaknesses is a desire to tell everyone my stories and overanalyze them to the point where I don't even know my own feelings anymore. And I've been trying to repress that desire, but I decided, why? Why not give into it?

Recently, a friend of mine -- who is even more of an overanalyzer than I am, if you can believe it -- started a new relationship. A few weeks into it, I realized that I really hadn't heard much from her; I had been used to hour-long conversations at least once a week when she was out on the dating scene (same goes for when I was out on the scene), but lately we hadn't been connecting much. I called her up and told her that for once, she must actually be in a good relationship, since she didn't have the need to go over every single nuance for clues and seek my advice. She agreed, and we moved on to analyzing analyzation (I mean, we have to analyze something. It's what we do).

And . . . **BIG BOMBSHELL** . . . I have actually started dating someone, and I have not felt the need to spew my guts about it to this blog or to any of my friends! I know, I feel like I have somehow let down the blog. Rest assured, I will share more info over time. For now, what matters is that I haven't felt the usual insecurities, haven't had to ask "should I text him or will he think I'm stalking him?," and haven't needed constant reassurance that he's still interested. It's amazing, really. Quite nice. Also, he is the one who gave me the idea about the men vs. women conversation posts. Yes, he reads this blog (hi!).

But let's return to analyzing analyzation. Does the simple fact that one feels the need to overanalyze a "relationship" (I use that term loosely, to describe any level of dating) mean that that relationship is doomed? Or is my small sample size of two (me and my friend) not enough to make such a sweeping statement. Does anyone have an example to support my claim, or to refute it?

how men think

2011-12-09T12:10:00.002-05:00

Ha ha! As if I could ever understand how men think. The fact that the sexes will never totally understand each other is part of the fun of life and love.

However, the comments from my last post offer some interesting insights into the mind of a guy:

Dogbert said

NOBODY is going to ask a question about sex. Admit you *might* not know what you're doing? Not happening.

So there's an ego thing going on. Dogbert also mentioned not wanting to be razzed by friends or show weakness. I assume this is within a group of all men. After I made that post, I wondered if men open up more when women are part of the group, or if a guy is with a female friend.

Anonymous said

If a guy is to share secrets from his bedroom, he fears his other friends imagining his lady friend in such a manner. Hence, they don't talk about any more than is necessary.

I like this explanation, and it's one that I hadn't heard before. Anonymous is being respectful of his "lady friend" by not sharing details with his guy friends.

Contrarian said

Men talk. The men I know talk to each other quite a bit.

I'm not sure if Contrarian is male or female, but this comment is a good reminder that there are always exceptions to the rule! We don't want to paint all men and all women with too broad a brush.

In fact, right now I'm reading the biography of Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson. Apparently, Jobs was a classic over-analyzer. Here's a snippet:

When it came to women, Jobs could be deeply romantic. He tended to fall in love dramatically, share with friends every up and down of a relationship, and pine in public whenever he was away from his current girlfriend. (p. 261)

This goes along with an idea I have, that people who are very successful in their careers tend to be less certain of their romantic lives (it's been true for me). Jobs was very open about his dating woes with his friends and coworkers, but I bet there are a lot of men (and women) who have the same uncertainties but don't feel comfortable discussing them.

let's talk about sex

2011-12-06T18:36:00.003-05:00

Actually, let's talk about how we talk about sex. And dating and relationships.

Recently I was told that men don't talk about these things at all amongst themselves. If a man is dating a new woman, his friends would find out via an exchange like this:

Friends: hey, dude, let's go drink beer tonight.
Man: can't, yo. I'm going out with this new chick.
Friends: cool, catch ya later.

Now, I don't speak for all women, but I think my friends and I are pretty normal, so I think it's safe to say that women would handle the situation entirely differently. For example:

Friends: have you heard from Guy yet? Because we were thinking of going out on Saturday, but we know you were hoping that Guy would make a date for that night.
Woman: well, he texted me, and it was really cute because he remembered that I told him that I like muffins, and he made a comment about a meeting he was at that had muffins.
Friends: oh, that's so awesome! He must like you.
Woman: yeah, but he never really asked me out, and I don't know how to respond.
[back and forth about the best way to respond to this text]
Woman: so hopefully he'll ask me out for Friday so I can go out with you guys on Saturday.
Friends: that would be perfect because then we can dissect every single thing that happens on your date! Are you going to sleep with him?
Woman: I don't know! It's our second date, what do you think? I don't want him to think I'm a slut.
[long exchange about sexual politics that turns into conversation about brazilian waxes which leads to one friend expressing her dismay that she's afraid she doesn't know how to give hand jobs and the other friends giving her advice and sharing best practices]

Personally, I find these conversations with my friends to be very fun. They are bonding and they are a never-ending source for discussion when any group of women gets together. We also talk about politics and sports and family and our last vacation, but -- especially with one particular group of friends -- the conversation inevitably ends up being about sex. Or sex-related things, like birth control or the different types of K-Y Jelly (it's always the friend you would least expect who is the first to try out the "warming" lube!).

I know that over-analyzing is not always the healthiest thing, and sometimes I think my female friends and I over-indulge, to the detriment of our potential relationships (I'm thinking about another post, about the ratio of over-analyzation to bad dating results and vice versa). But I think -- if it's true that men really don't talk about these topics with each other -- men are missing out on some really enjoyable discussions. Is it that it's just not socially acceptable for men to talk about this stuff, or do men just naturally not feel the need/desire to think things through with the help of others? Who do they ask when they have a question about sex?!

hasta luego, a poll!

2011-11-22T22:14:00.005-05:00

I am leaving for a short trip to Madrid, Spain tomorrow! I mentioned in an earlier post that I've applied for a scholarship there; this trip is to visit the school and do my admissions interview. And, of course, to eat some good food, see some good sights, and practice my Spanish.

While I'm gone, please participate in this poll. It's a topic that comes up over and over again, and I was discussing it with a couple friends this weekend in Chicago. I had a great time there, by the way, and caught up with a lot of people, but I think the only time I even talked to a guy was when I lost my jacket and asked the guy who was sitting in the chair where I put it if he had seen it. He was a jerk; he told me he gave it to some other girl. I don't know if he was serious or if he thought he was being clever, but I am no longer the owner of that jacket.

Anyway, I don't have any stories to tell, but one of my friends went speed dating on Saturday night. And of course it started the conversation about best ways to meet people. And I thought, rather than me babbling about my opinions, let's find out what my readers' experiences have been.

This poll is for everyone! If you are currently married or in a relationship, then please answer how you met. If you are single, answer about your last, or best, relationship. And of course, add some information in the comments. Maybe, if there is a trend, some more exploring of these methods can be done.

Happy Thanksgiving!

how did you meet your significant other?

say no to edward

2011-11-19T10:55:00.003-05:00

I'm supposed to be leaving for Chicago right now (yay! Chicago! watch this space for stories of Fool for Love and Friends on the town) but I just read an article about the new Twilight movie, and it brought up some anger in me that I need to get off my chest.

Edward is a stalker and an abuser. In the first book, he climbs into Bella's window at night when she's sleeping and he watches her. Throughout the series he tells her that he cannot hold her/kiss her/have sex with her because he's afraid he's going to hurt her. He gets her to beg for it. Then he does it and he hurts her. And then SHE apologizes to HIM! THIS IS ABUSE. This is not romantic, this is not how a relationship should be -- any girl or woman experiencing something like this should run far, far away.

But somehow this series of books and movies has become a cultural phenomenon, and young girls, teen girls, and even adult women (and boys, too, I imagine) are reading it and seeing Edward and Bella as an example of a romantic couple. This is profoundly scary and upsetting to me. I've mentioned previously that I've experienced emotional abuse, and I'm very passionate about making sure it doesn't happen to others. This is why I talk about it.

But it's not so easy to help someone when they are in a situation like this. Like Edward, emotional (and physical, I believe, but I thankfully don't have any experience in that) abusers are very adept at convincing the woman that she needs him, that anything that happens to her is her fault, and that if she leaves him, her life will be miserable. One of my very best friends has her own Edward. She managed to leave him about a year ago, but he still stalks her and finds ways around email and phone blocks to reach her and leave her messages to make her feel guilty. I am so very glad and relieved that she is strong enough to move on from all this, but it was very scary for a long time while she was with him.

It's too late to go back and somehow make the Twilight popularity never happen. It's here, so we have to make the best of it. I hope we can turn the message around to show impressionable girls and boys what a bad relationship looks like, and what abuse looks like, and start a conversation about how a healthy relationship (or even being alone) is so much better and the only type of relationship we should accept.

Reader Question: "then you never hear from the guy!"

2011-11-17T20:01:00.002-05:00

Our first reader question is one that I think anyone who has dated in the last decade can relate to:

I'd like to see you touch on the subject of when you go out on a great date and there is talk of a "second" date and then you never hear from the guy! Or you get several text messages saying they can't wait to see you and then never call! What is up with that? And these are 50+ year old men....UGH!

Thanks, Anonymous, for the topic suggestion! I almost hate to admit how often this has happened to me. And, I'll be perfectly honest, and say that I have done it, as well. In fact, I think this is a dating issue that affects us all -- men and women. And though it seems like a simple question, I've been pondering this issue since it was posted a couple days ago, and I'm having a hard time narrowing down how to even talk about it. I think a lot of things are going on here: possible differing perspectives on whether the date was "great" or not, fear of/aversion to rejecting someone, how technology has changed communication, and modern etiquette or socially-acceptable behaviors. (probably others, too!)

So let's talk about modern etiquette. Is it ill-mannered to just drop off the face of the earth when you know that the other person is expecting, probably eagerly, to hear from you? Yes, I think it is; there are definitely many other options for letting somebody down gently, and most of them would probably be considered better manners than a blow-off. Is it socially acceptable to drop off the face of the earth in a dating situation? Yes, I think it is.

Saying that it's socially acceptable doesn't mean that it's the right, or the polite, thing to do. But I think it's just become the norm. I remember this happening to me, years ago, with a guy I'd gone on a few dates on, and I was thinking that things were going really well (the last time I saw him was right before Christmas, and he brought me a really thoughtful gift). Then . . . silence. I left him a couple messages, and he never called me back. I was in agony for days, weeks, wondering what had happened and if he was ever going to call. I felt like I wanted "closure."

This has happened a few times since -- for a couple years I had a startling string of four or five week "relationships" that just fizzled when I never heard from the guy. In fact, if you go back to the beginning of this blog, you'll see I started it because I was angry when a guy did this exact thing! But what changed between the first time it happened and that last time is that I started to understand what was happening. I understood that if a few days went by with no contact, it was the same thing as the guy saying "hey, this isn't going to work out." It actually got to the point where it seemed acceptable to me, and like I said, I've actually done it myself if it's just been one date.

I think there is a lot more to be said on this topic. I'm interested to hear from others -- has this happened to you? Have you done it? Do manners still exist in the early days of dating? Share your thoughts in the comments!

where in the world is . . . the fool for love?!

2011-11-14T19:52:00.003-05:00

Hey, y'all! I have missed this blog, and I hope you have too. Can you believe it's been two years since my last post? Seems like just yesterday I was dishing about dating with friends near and far.

Wait, that was yesterday! I just wasn't doing so on this blog. Well, that is about to change! The blog is back, and the dishing happens here. I have some guest bloggers lined up, too, and they have some *very* interesting stories to share.

So what have I been up to? Well, in a nutshell, I'm still in Lexington, though I'm making plans to spend a lot more time in Chicago starting in the new year. I'm still single, after one short-lived relationship. I don't plan on staying in Lexington forever (in addition to the upcoming Chicago transition, I've also applied for a scholarship to study in Spain, and if I get it, I leave next fall), so I've balked at dating (what if I meet someone I really like, and then have to decide about moving away?). I know, I know, dating is not a relationship, and I have to chill out a bit. Maybe we'll talk about this in a future post.

I've been reading through old posts here, and I realize that some things have changed. Why was I so hung up on age? And now, believe it or not, the idea of dating a guy with a child/children is actually a little appealing. Maybe the year and a half I spent working at the public library softened my heart to kids. I like the idea of having a kid in my life that I don't have to birth.

So, let's catch up. I'll start posting more regularly. And I hope we can continue the great conversations that happened in the comments.

To get things started, put a note in the comments about a topic you'd like to see discussed here. Between me and my guest bloggers, I'm sure we'll have lots to say about it, and you will help us get the ball rolling again with the Fool for Love!

Also, you can like the Facebook page I just created, and then you'll see notifications of new posts in your feed. Let the dishing begin!

Poll Results: Blissful Ignorance

2009-10-27T17:26:00.002-04:00

Thanks to all who contributed to the latest poll! The results are in, with most people preferring to leave well enough alone, and not ask for details about why they have been dumped. Several respondents, however, do think that some closure can be helpful. And one commenter would like her own ghost. You can read the comments about this poll here, and please feel free to continue to vote in the poll.

I’ll tell you why this poll came to mind. A couple years ago, I met a guy at the wedding of friends, and we hit it off, though nothing happened then for numerous reasons. A few months later, I saw him again at a party. This time, we hit it off again, and we began dating. He was great, and I liked him a lot. It was one of those happy relationships where he called when he said he would, I was never in doubt of the fact that he liked me, and we had great chemistry.

A few weeks later, I went out of town for the weekend, and he did too (separate trips). I didn’t hear from him all weekend, which was strange. But, we texted on the drive home, and I thought all was good. It wasn’t, of course. A few more texts were exchanged, but he never called or made plans with me again, and eventually I got the picture. I asked our mutual friend about it (at whose wedding we originally met) and she had no idea, and in fact was a bit worried about him because she hadn’t heard from him either.

Fast forward another couple of months, and I’m out having drinks with the husband of the married couple. I asked him if he knew why this guy had suddenly lost interest, and he hesitated, but he told me that the guy told him that I was too into myself. I was shocked. SHOCKED! I don’t even know what this means. But I’m pretty sure it’s not true about myself. And my friend didn’t think so either, and thought it had to do with the fact that this guy had been cheated on before and needed a girl to be kind of clingy and always there.

But still. It’s been two years now and I can’t get that out of my head. I don’t know if this is something I should be working on, or if it was this guy’s issue. And it all came back to me a couple weeks ago when innocently browsing Facebook (evil, evil Facebook), where the wife of the married friends couple posted something, and a girl posted a comment, and I just had a feeling, so I clicked on her, and lo and behold, she is listed as “in a relationship with” this guy. (More on this situation in a later post.)

After that experience, I don’t want to know. This knowledge eats away at me (well, it’s not that bad, it just nibbles, maybe) and makes me question myself. Yes, I would like to know if I have bad breath, or spinach in my teeth, but beyond that, I think I prefer to remain blissfully ignorant.

A Poll! About ghosts, kind of.

2009-10-19T13:34:00.001-04:00

I recently read the new Sophie Kinsella book, Twenties Girl. It’s about a girl who is visited by the twenty-three-year old ghost of her deceased aunt. The girl has recently been dumped by her boyfriend, and she doesn’t know why. She comes up with the idea to have the ghost do her ghostly thing and force the boyfriend to explain why he left her. When she learns his reasons, she attempts to change herself to make her loveable to him again . . . and you can imagine how this works out.

This got me thinking. Is it really a good thing to know all the details of why a guy has lost interest? I’m not talking about long-term relationships – usually you know why those end. I’m talking about the situations where you’ve been dating for a few weeks; you’ve maybe slept with the guy or come awfully close; things seem to be going along great and you’re on the Potential New Relationship High . . . and then suddenly he falls off the face of the earth (or, if he’s decent, he’s sent you a text or an email saying it’s not going to work out, so you at least are not wondering why he hasn’t called you).

Some of my girl friends are adamant that they need to know what happened in these situations. They will call up the guy and ask point blank. They want to know if they did something wrong so they can avoid such behavior in the future. I am the opposite – I don’t want to know. Knowing the guy is not interested in me anymore is enough. I feel that what some guys find to be annoying or uninteresting in me, other guys might like. Hearing from some guy that I recently really liked that he thinks I’m too pale, or that he doesn’t like that I have cats, or that I go to bed too early, or whatever . . . this kind of information is not helpful. Someone else won’t mind these things – or will really like them, even – and I’m not going to get myself all worked up over it.

So – what do you all think? Let’s take a poll!

A – I would walk away and never look back. I am who I am, and hearing about some random guy’s impression is only going to make me feel bad about myself.

B – I would feel more of a sense of closure if I at least knew what the guy was thinking.

C – If I’m having such a hard time keeping a guy after a few weeks, maybe I should find out what is going on so I can make some key changes.

D – I wish I had my own ghost so I could find out all the details, every time.

Ah, college

2009-09-10T20:21:00.003-04:00

Remember college? Those carefree days of eating ice cream on the quad while all your friends and crushes walk by and give a friendly "hi." Oh, and there was some studying. Normally done in the library, surrounded by cute guys (we all had our place in the library scoped out, with half a mind given to our study needs, and the other half to the social ramifications).

College! A few acres of land marked out for you and hundreds or thousands of others your age all pursuing the same goal. Is there any better situation for meeting your next date? Or finding someone for a relationship? I think not. As post-college adults, we have been trying to figure this out since graduation. Books and articles have been written on the topic.

I now find myself on a college campus twice a week. I love the University of Kentucky (UK) campus -- there are lots of places to sit in the sun and watch the people. (Of course, I am fifteen years older than most of the people walking by.) I feel a strange sense of nostalgia coupled with a weird, almost maternal desire to give all these kids big hugs and tell them to look around and appreciate all that they have.

I'm also thinking a lot about my own college experience, which was so different from the UK experience -- since I attended a very small school -- but also so similar, as evidenced by the conversation snippets I overhear (I swear I had these same conversations with my friends!).

I never had a boyfriend, or even dated much really, in college, though I wanted to. I was that unfortunate combination of too shy coupled with too independent. I wish I could go back now with what I know now and see if it works out differently. I would definitely ask My Crush to the sorority dance, instead of just peering longingly at him from the study carrel, and only managing to ask him about what he was studying when I did get the courage to walk up to him. (I still wonder what ever happened to My Crush. He is un-findable on Google and Facebook.)

Ah, college. I am enjoying this opportunity to re-live it, in a sense. Maybe I'll meet a cute grad student my age in the library one of these days . . .

Un-Matched

2009-09-01T19:09:00.000-04:00

I've decided to take down my match.com profile. I've found myself avoiding it -- dreading the tedious emails that might be waiting for me and wanting a response. And after the light bulb went off recently about why the online scene just doesn't work for me (see August 23 post), it seems crazy to me to force it.

I'm also completely immersed in my grad school studies right now. When I'm not at work, I'm doing reading or online discussion boards for my classes. I'm taking four master's-level classes, plus working four to five days per week. Since it's work and school that I love, I'm not complaining, but it makes the online dating prospect seem even more daunting and uninteresting when I feel like I have to squeeze it into my schedule.

As an update to my Communication post about the long-distance guy, I did receive a nice email from him in response to my email about how I felt about our weekend, though it wasn’t encouraging, really. I replied and invited him to visit me in Chicago, but he hasn’t responded. Right now, I’m actually thinking a long-distance relationship would be perfect: I’d have plenty of time to myself to study, with occasional fun weekends (and time on the airplane to read!). That is looking unlikely, though, so I’ll just keep my options open here. Between work and school, I am meeting a lot of new people, so anything can happen!

Nonniversary

2009-08-26T16:45:00.001-04:00

Today is kind of a holiday for me. It’s bittersweet. Nine years ago today I got married. Four months later, I was preparing to move out, and the following June I was officially divorced.

So I’ve never had a wedding anniversary, but I do celebrate the date every year. I usually go out with friends and have a drink or two and reflect on life a little bit. That is what I will be doing tonight.

My ex was not always a nice person. He used to tell me how awful, ugly, stupid, etc., I was, and that I was lucky to have him because no one else ever would. I bought into it and I was scared, because I did not want to be alone. I weighed my options and decided I’d rather be with him (he did have some good points) and in a “secure” relationship than on my own. After the wedding though, the weight of it all sunk in and I started to realize that maybe I am better than this; that I deserve better than this.

I don’t think anymore that he was right, and that no one will ever love me. However, I did make a decision when I left that situation, and that was that I would rather be alone forever than in a bad relationship. Nine years later, I am single, but happy. I would love to have a great relationship with a great guy, but if it never happens, I will have no regrets.

Fool for Online Dating

2009-08-23T21:33:00.000-04:00

I have done the online dating thing. A lot. In Chicago, it was the thing to do. Single folks without an online profile are considered strange creatures or assumed to be uninterested in dating. It’s different in Lexington, though. One of my coworkers told me that no one she knows from Kentucky does it, but people who have moved here from other cities do. (When I asked her how she meets people – she is single – she said, “I don’t.”)

Of course I signed up for match.com here. It’s a great way to meet people, right? At least I would get out and learn about some of the bars and restaurants here. Right? Also, I wanted a distraction from the long-distance guy I wrote about last week. And for a week or so, I was having fun. There are some cute guys in Lexington’s online pool.

But I’m not having fun anymore. To be honest, I never really did have fun with it, even in Chicago. And I’ve finally figured out why – it only took me several years and way too many bad first dates (I have met a couple good guys online, which may be one reason I keep coming back to it – I’m not a COMPLETE sucker for punishment). Online dating is, for me, completely backwards. By the time you meet a person, you have already been told half of his life story. You already know his background, his job, his likes and dislikes, and any other random tidbits he’s chosen to share with you in the course of your email communications.

Some of these guys want to talk on the phone before meeting. Or they want to figure out relationship details via email communication (“why are you on match?” “are you looking for a relationship or just to date?” “I see you don’t want kids, why is that?”). This doesn’t work for me. I need to meet someone, feel a spark of interest, and be able to flirt. It’s awkward to me to meet someone when I already know the details of his divorce and the fight over custody of the cat. There are already way too many expectations and assumptions made, by both parties.

I’m already feeling frustrated and tired with my new match.com profile. It feels like work, and as each guy earnestly shares his thoughts and feelings with me via emails, I find myself thinking it’s a waste of time, because I know that what really matters to me is that first impression when I meet him in person – preferably without knowing about his sister’s lake house or how much money he makes.

Maybe I need to just get over this and come to grips with the fact that this is modern dating. But I don’t know . . . I’m not sure if I’ll use the rest of this six-month (ugh!) subscription I paid for.

Fool for Love is Back!

2009-08-18T15:43:00.000-04:00

I have been in Lexington for about two and a half months now, and I spent the first few weeks here taking a break from life in general, as well as from this blog (and from walking, as I’m trying to heal a stress fracture in my foot). But life does indeed go on, and I’m now equipped with a new job (in a library!), a full course-load of master’s classes that start next week, and a match.com profile. Fool for Love is back, y’all!

To commemorate my return to blogdom, today’s topic is Communication. And of course, I have a dating story to go along with it:

A few weeks ago, I reconnected with an old friend. I guess you could call him a friend-with-benefits. He lives in a different state (as he has since I met him more than ten years ago) and I hadn’t seen him since our last FWB fling about eight years ago. After some flirty texting during the spring, he suggested a visit, and while I was quite nervous about the whole thing, I remembered how much I used to enjoy his company, and decided to go.

I’m glad I went. I had a great time; he is still very easy to get along with, and the . . . ahem . . . “benefits” part of our friendship is still as great as it used to be. We talked a lot: about what we’ve been doing the last few years, his job, my new life, etc. But I don’t think we really Communicated.

Before flying out to see him, I had convinced myself that it would be a casual, sexy weekend, no strings attached. And while there, I think I forced myself to maintain that role, despite the fact that I was starting to feel otherwise. I wanted to know what I was doing out there, why he had asked me, and whether we would see each other again. But instead of asking those things, I talked inanely about trying to date in Kentucky and how he should definitely try to get onto the The Bachelor tv show. Looking back, these kind of comments were at odds with how I was actually feeling. I left with none of my questions answered, and when I asked him a couple weeks later if he’d like to visit me, he said he is too busy.

This has brought up a lot of questions about communication. Am I sabotaging potentially good relationships by not communicating honestly with guys – especially at the beginning, when I’m feeling unsure of things, and (consciously or unconsciously) putting up a wall of self-preservation? How open should we be with the people we date? Is it ever too late to tell someone how you feel? Should I even bother to try to make sense of that weekend by explaining to him why I did what I did?

I’m going to try to stop putting up that wall, and be more open with guys (and people in general). I really do think communication is vital, and the lack of it just leads to missed signals and confusion. And to answer my last question, I did send him an email with a little bit of explanation (it was hard to write – communication is not easy). And there’s a decent chance he is reading this (hi), which will tell him more than he probably wants to know. I walk away from this exercise in Communication feeling like it was the right thing to do, and not regretting that I have things left unsaid. I think that’s a pretty good outcome.

Fool for Love . . . in Kentucky!

2009-05-20T20:07:00.001-04:00

I am moving to Lexington, Kentucky!

My family suffered a sad loss in January when my step-dad passed away unexpectedly. He and my mom had moved to Kentucky a couple years prior, and Mom is staying there to enjoy the mild winters, beautiful landscapes, and laid-back lifestyle. I resisted at first, but I am being called by those same features, as well as the desire to be with my mom right now – family is so, so important.

I have lived in Chicago for more than seven years; it’s an experience I am so glad to have had, and I’ve met some fantastic people along the way. And of course, there have been dating highlights and lowlights. I have to say, the idea of starting over in a new town is appealing. I hear that the men in Kentucky are known for southern manners and a respect for women. I plan to find out!

In Kentucky, I’ll be taking a break from the corporate rat race, and attending graduate school full time. I have high hopes that the academic environment will introduce me to interesting, intellectual people. I plan to also meet people through activities such as dance classes, volunteering, and of course – spending time at the library.

I will continue to share my stories and thoughts on dating from Kentucky. I hope to have lots of great stories and tons of dates to report on! Yeehaw!!

Let's Go Red Wings!

2009-05-14T22:20:00.002-04:00

I'm sorry, I know this is a dating blog, not a sports blog. But the Detroit Red Wings just won their playoff series, which means they are playing Chicago for the Western Conference Finals. As a die-hard Wings fan living in Chicago, you have no idea how exciting this is to me.

And -- I met my ex-husband while at a bar watching the Red Wings in the playoffs. It's true that that relationship didn't work out so well, but that doesn't mean that people coming together over a love for the best sport on earth is a bad idea. In fact, I think it's a great idea: I would love to meet a fellow hockey fan, and giving high-fives to nearby cute strangers when your team scores is an easy way to start a conversation.

On another subject, a couple of people questioned why it might be difficult for me to ask out the guy in dance class. The reason is that I see him almost every week. He's not a random guy at the bar that I will never see again. So if he rejects me cruelly, it could be awkward during my rotations with him.

I'm still up for trying it, though. Both my friend and I were unable to go to class this week, so next week is go time.

Step Up

2009-05-06T22:47:00.001-04:00

(That is the name of the cheesy movie I am watching as I write this, and it’s applicable to this post)

First of all, a quick update: no reply from Detroit guy. A wise (male) friend of mine suggested that he might have been avoiding becoming too invested because of the distance thing. I guess men can be emotionally guarded, too. Or I freaked him out by kind of calling him out in my last email. I guess we’ll never know, but I still think open communication is key.

Today’s question is: how do you take a casual acquaintanceship to the next level? I take a salsa class once a week, and there is a guy in the class that I am interested in. We rotate through partners in this class, so I dance with him for a half-minute or so three or four times during the class. This guy has a nice smile and seems a bit shy, and I’ve managed a couple brief flirtations with him. He seemed open and responsive.

Should I step up and make a move here? My idea is this: I have a friend who takes the class after mine. Which means I have an hour to kill if I want to grab a glass of wine with her after class. What if I said to him, during one of our rotations, “hey, I’m going over to [restaurant across the street] to wait for Friend to get out of Salsa 2, do you want to join me?” I think it’s casual, and low-pressure because it’s only for an hour.

What do you think?

Libraries and The Return from the Missing

2009-05-04T20:00:00.001-04:00

I’ve been out of town for the last few days so I’m making up for it with two posts in one.

1. Libraries. I’m taking up the challenge from the poll answers, and giving libraries a shot. I actually spent a few hours on Friday in the library in Kentucky where my mother lives, just reading a book in one of the lounge areas. I think there is some potential here: I sat near the current magazines stand, and quite a few people came by to browse, and a couple people (one guy) sat down in my little lounge area to read. Now, if I can just get over the shyness, and look up and make eye contact and smile, and maybe even say hi or ask something about what they are reading . . . I don’t think it would be too hard to spark a conversation.

2. The Return from the Missing. Remember the guy I met in Detroit, who spoiled me with texts and emails and then dropped off? He’s back! He emailed me last Thursday, just as if no time had passed at all. He answered the questions I had asked in my last email, and asked if I was coming back to Detroit for Mother’s Day and if he’d have a chance to see me. I decided to take a risk and just be honest with him: I emailed him back today, and at the end of the email, I (hopefully light-heartedly) said that I thought maybe he’d given up on his potential Chicago romance when I hadn’t heard from him, and that I don’t have plans to go to Detroit but there’s still a possibility of a Detroit/Chicago playoff matchup . . . .

I have nothing to lose here and I didn’t feel like I could just let go of the fact that he fell off the face of the earth for two weeks. I’m done with letting men off easy, but I don’t want to completely write this guy off yet. So we’ll see if I hear back from him.

A Poll About Bars

2009-04-29T21:11:00.000-04:00

This poll is brought to you by the comments section of the last post.

Is the bar a good place to meet people?

A. Yes, it’s a good social environment in which to meet a potential match.

B. No, if you meet someone in a bar you are destined to a shallow relationship or a hook-up only situation.

C. Other

Remember, I actually did a little experiment based on the last poll. I’m not quite sure what kind of ideas this poll will generate, but I’m open to the possibilities.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night!

2009-04-27T22:18:00.001-04:00

How to have an awesome Saturday night:

1. Have one of your oldest, bestest friends come for a visit.
2. Invite one of your newest, hippest friends to join you.
3. Say a prayer to the weather gods for the rain to stop once your hair is done – and thank them when it does stop.
4. Have someone else do your makeup to make you look like a knock-out.
5. Let your cute waiter chose the sushi rolls for you.
6. Talk to the solo Italian guys seated on either side of you at the sushi bar.
7. Don’t be afraid to talk to that cute guy at the club.

Things that can happen to mar an awesome Saturday night:

1. Overconsumption of alcohol. (I should have stopped after the sushi restaurant – I was just tired and crabby by the time we got to the club).
2. That cute guy at the club turned out to be gay. But he was a really nice guy, and we had an enjoyable conversation, and he took this blog address, so maybe we’ll see him on here! If you are reading this, post a comment and say hi!
3. Two separate men called my (oldest, bestest) friend a “cock tease.” She was engaging in perfectly normal, acceptable flirting at the club. Since when is a man allowed to make such a degrading comment to a woman who is simply enjoying some friendly banter? This is one reason why I despair about the pool of available men. A lot of them are not nice, and their expectations are unrealistic and disrespectful.

Lessons learned:

1. It’s fun to step out of my comfort zone (by wearing vampy eye makeup, by making conversation with strangers) every now and then.
2. I’m probably better off at the less “trendy” bars/clubs, because I have a general distrust for the overly good-looking, charming guys that frequent them (see previous posts about “nice” guys) – and that distrust is validated by the rude comments my friend heard.
3. A glass or two of alcohol can help take the edge off, but I think I’m at my best when I still have my faculties about me. No more binging.
4. In the end, my friends are always there. I’m a lucky girl.

Is Age Just A Number?

2009-04-23T22:15:00.000-04:00

Originally, this post was going to be about how I’m trying to be open to guys that I would normally be picky about, and how my friend tried to set me up with his friend, and despite a lot of strikes against this guy (he lives in the suburbs, has a kid, is older) I decided to go for it, but then I got an email from him that just turned me off, so I’m a picky bitch after all.

But something just happened that made me decide to write about age instead. I’m 34. This guy graduated from college in 1985, which makes him, 46? At least? And I just don’t like dating men who are older than, say, 38 or 39. One reason for that is that I am more physically attracted to young-looking men. For what it’s worth, I don’t have a problem dating younger men; though again, I prefer to stay within an age difference of a few years. I know that lots of people are happy in relationships with big age differences, and I’m completely supportive and OK with that – it’s just not for me.

Anyway, the thing that happened is: I emailed this guy back and told him that I hadn’t known how old he was until his last email, and I was uncomfortable dating someone in his 40s. (I didn’t bring the other factors into it, just wanted to keep it simple.) And he just wrote back and said “I have a problem dating someone in their 40's too, so I can totally appreciate it. It's not so much that it makes me uncomfortable; I just tend to find women around my age boring.”

Wow. One of my dating pet peeves is older men who will only date younger women. So I feel like I dodged a bullet here. But, I wonder, am I being just as jerky with my age pickiness? Is someone’s age a legitimate thing for me to consider a deal-breaker? I don’t know if I can bring myself to change my mind on this one (even though I was originally willing to give this guy a chance, I did it with the feeling that it would never work out).

2009-04-22T19:40:00.001-04:00

Do I jinx myself? I haven’t heard from the Detroit guy since I posted about him. And the note guy from happy hour last week never called (though that was a long-shot, I know).

I just don’t understand why this happens. If a guy is interested in a girl, he gets in touch with her and tries to make plans, right? And if he’s not, he does not get in touch with her. So why would a guy get in touch with a girl – texts, emails – and then suddenly just stop contact? I can’t even do my usual “what’s wrong with me” lament because I’m sure there wasn’t enough contact for him to get turned off from me.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not breaking my heart over this guy; I didn’t even know him. But I do wonder why this ALWAYS HAPPENS.

Fool for Love Mailing List

2009-04-20T20:21:00.000-04:00

Want to receive an email notification of new Fool for Love blog posts? Send an email to foolforloveinchicago@gmail.com and I will add you to the mailing list. I promise to only use your email for notifications. Tell your friends!

Vacation Mentality

2009-04-20T20:20:00.000-04:00

You know how when you’re traveling it can be easier to talk to strangers? I find that when I’m on vacation I tend to chat with people more – at the bar, at restaurants, waiting for the subway. I don’t know if it just feels safer – these people don’t live in my hometown so I’ll never see them again – or if I have some kind of vacation high, or what.

This past weekend I went to Detroit to go to the Red Wings playoff game (go Wings!). Detroit is my “hometown,” but it hasn’t been home for years. I was in full vacation mentality, which led me to easily chat with a guy at a bar after the game. (There were a few adult beverages at play, too.) I gave the guy my number, and he texted me the next day. And emailed me today.

I love it! He is not playing the “wait 3/5/7 days to call” game and he said straight out that he really enjoyed meeting me. I wonder if it’s easier because he lives four hours away? I’ve been responding to him without worrying about seeming overeager, too. I think there is safety in distance. He has mentioned coming to Chicago if we end up playing Detroit in the playoffs, and that he travels here for business occasionally. Who knows what, if anything, will come of it – long distance is always hard, especially for a new relationship – but I did like him and find him interesting and cute. I just wish I could bottle the vacation mentality for everyday life!

Happy Happy Hour

2009-04-17T09:17:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I joined a friend and some of her coworkers at a happy hour; it was one of those perfect mingling events where everyone was friendly and there was a large crowd of interesting people. I also arrived there in a great mood due to the good weather and the fact that I’d had a really productive day at work, so I was feeling a bit more social and outgoing than I am usually. Later, my friend Matt – who prompted the earlier poll about men giving business cards to women – joined us, and he and I discussed the poll results and talked about testing out the option of giving someone a note.

While we were having this conversation, a guy walked into the bar that I thought was very cute. I made eye contact with him a couple times, and eventually I realized that he knew some of the people at the happy hour. Matt helped me compose a note – short and sweet and to the point – on a napkin, and one of the women realized what I was doing and introduced me to the guy as he was getting ready to leave. We chatted for just a couple minutes, and then before he left, I gave him the napkin and said something like “you should give me a call sometime.” He looked stunned, but not in a bad way! And he said “absolutely!”

That was so fun! I felt great after doing it: there are no “what ifs” about the cute guy that I made eye contact with, I took things into my own hands, and if he calls, maybe I will have a date! And if nothing else, according to Matt, I probably made his day by giving him the note. So I’m very glad I did it, and I think doing little things like this will make me feel more confident overall in approaching and talking to men. (Because I have to admit, I was very nervous about it, and had to be prodded a little bit to go through with it. It seems so simple to talk about somebody else doing it, but when it came to me, my usual nerves and shyness wanted to take over.)

To Date or Not To Date

2009-04-14T19:22:00.001-04:00

I received this email today from a friend. And it brings up a good question about dating – especially online dating.

How much of a chance should we give a guy for whom we don’t feel a “spark” on the first date? And is that spark even a legitimate indication of a good date and potential match? I am starting to suspect that I have missed out on some good guys because I wrote them off after a spark-free first date. And that I have spent time that I shouldn’t have on guys that were not worth it because I was blinded by lust and sparks. Is a nice conversation without a desire to kiss a guy a good enough reason to go out with him again? How important is it to feel chemistry right from the start?

(I guess this brought up four questions.)

“So I had a date last night. And it wasn't bad. But I also didn't feel "the spark." I feel no desire to see this guy again, and I am not attracted to him in the least. . . .

I think I just thought that I would feel some sort of connection or some sort of attraction with the guy I'd date and then I'd feel excited about seeing them again. And I think I thought that would happen with 90% of the dates I'd go on. But so far, no such luck. The only time I felt excited about seeing or talking to a guy again was the d-bag from [my friend]'s going away party. And that didn't turn out so well. So I guess my question is...is it normal to feel this indifferent about a date? I mean...I almost just don't care. I really could care less if he isn't interested. Does any of this make sense??”

How to Pick Up a Woman

2009-04-09T22:58:00.000-04:00

This is a poll for the women. You are at a bar or restaurant, and you spot a cute guy across the way who has spotted you. You make flirty eye contact. The guy and his pals go to leave shortly thereafter, and the guy wants to ask you out. Do you prefer the guy to:

A. Introduce himself, hand you his business card, and ask him to call you

B. Introduce himself, and ask you if you have a card or if he can have your number so he can call you

C. Scrawl a short note on a napkin or piece of paper saying that he wished he had a chance to talk to you, and provide his number

D. Other

Would you be responsive to any of these scenarios?

My answer, for what it’s worth, is B. This came up in a conversation with some friends the other day, when my guy friend was bemoaning the fact that he has never received a call from a card he has handed out. My female friends felt that a guy handing out business cards is not trustworthy – it seems a little skeevy and we don’t know how many other women are getting the same card. Also, we’re just unlikely to call a virtual stranger.

I think my guy friend would be really flattered if a woman gave him her card, and if he had been attracted to her, he would call. Is this a difference in the sexes, or was it just the personalities in the room?

PS – this is a poll for the women, but I’m interested to hear the male perspective on this, too.

In the Name of Blogging

2009-04-07T20:58:00.002-04:00

I was afraid this would happen. I started a dating blog, and I have no dates. There are many topics I can talk about, but I think it would be more interesting if I had actual dates to discuss. So, in the interest of keeping things interesting, I am going to attend a speed dating event. !!! I've done one before, and found it pretty awkward, but who knows? My perspective now may be different, and I might have a great time. Look for my exciting speed dating recap in a few weeks!

What Not To Do

2009-04-04T19:01:00.000-04:00

I was at the bar last night with Karen and a couple other friends. We had a table right in the center by the dance floor – perfect location. The band was playing fun music, and we were dancing and taking pictures.

Karen was taking a picture of the rest of us when all of a sudden a guy appeared right next to her, and just stood there watching. At first, I thought he worked at the bar (he was dressed in all black like the staff), and was going to offer to have Karen jump in the picture and he would take it of all of us. But . . . he just stood there. We all got uncomfortable, and tried to shrug him off by crowding around the camera to look at the pictures, but he stayed, saying nothing. He was kind of a big guy and I was a bit intimidated – we may have asked someone less scary to leave us alone, but this guy didn’t look like he should be messed with.

Karen tried to lose him by twirling into the mass of dancers, but he just followed her. I don’t think he ever said anything to her . . .he just lingered there, watching. Eventually he did go away.

Was he trying to pick her up? Were we supposed to be impressed by him, or attracted to him? The only thing that guy accomplished was to make us all feel very uncomfortable. You would think this goes without saying, but, guys: being creepy and stalkerish is not a good way to meet women.

Nice Guys, Part Two

2009-04-04T18:43:00.001-04:00

Since I posted a link yesterday to an article that was a bit tough on the “nice guys,” I thought today I would give the other side of the story.

I like the nice guys. I prefer guys who are a little bit shy, and who seem kind, smart, thoughtful, and interesting. A guy can possess these features and still have self-confidence (I don’t mean the kind of confidence that enables a man to hit on every woman that walks by at the bar – that’s more like arrogance or cockiness).

Both of the men I’ve had long-term relationships with in Chicago fit the nice guy profile, I think (“Trevor” took a bit of a beating in the comments section after his first post, and may not be willing to comment again, but if he is, I think he will agree – he is one of those two guys). Crappy Candlemaker was appealing to me because he was intensely shy.

Nice/shy guys seem more trustworthy to me. A guy that can easily toss off a pick-up line in the bar might be fun at the moment, but if he can do that to me without effort, he’s probably doing it all the time. And there is a paradox here, I’m aware. I want to meet a guy who is not blatantly trying to meet a woman.

It’s a tough situation. I don’t really know how to go about finding and meeting truly nice guys. It’s most certainly not going to happen at a bar, and it probably isn’t going to happen at a book store, or a grocery store, or the bus (though I see interesting-looking men at these places all the time). In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I’m really shy myself when it comes to guys, though I’m making a real effort to at least smile and squeak out a “hi” when I see a cute stranger.

So I have two questions:

1. Where and how can I meet the kind of guy I am looking for? Where do these nice shy guys hang out, and how can I get them talking?

2. How do you distinguish the truly nice guy from the seemingly-nice-but-will-break-your-heart-and-not-look-back types?

Why Nice Guys Don't Get the Girls

2009-04-03T17:20:00.002-04:00

Thank you to my friends who are sending me articles that are relevant to the blog. Through the links at the end of one of them, I found this gem of an article. Since we've been talking about the Average Joes here, I thought I'd share.

Why Nice Guys Finish Last

"The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you."

Harsh, but true.

The Way We Overanalyze

2009-04-01T19:46:00.001-04:00

My friend Monica sent me an email today that I think epitomizes what this blog is all about. She was responding to an email I sent to her about Facebook: the last guy I dated had a public page, and I could see everything he posted – and he posted a lot. We spent a lot of time looking at his page and trying to decipher meaning (a future blog post will be about how Facebook is changing the way we date, whether for good or bad), and the whole time, I assumed he could see my page as well because we were in the same network. I discovered the other day, though, that my page is set to “friends only,” (which is actually how I want it), which upset me (ridiculously, I know) because I thought he should have wanted to see my page, but he never sent a friend request. (Like I said, I’ll talk in more detail about the Facebook phenomenon in a future post – there’s lots of fodder here!)

Monica replied to me in her typical caring way, with kind words and a bit of firmness about my need to move on (which I am, I promise – I just got caught off-guard with that FB realization and needed to vent to her). She also made me laugh with some of her observations: this is what we deal with in the dating world. And this is how we (women) talk to each other about it. It’s exactly what I want to talk about on this blog.

So, I give you Monica’s email. Note that I started calling this guy “Cutie Candlemaker” (his profession changed to protect the not-so-innocent) when I first met him, CC for short. Now we call him Crappy Candlemaker.

“Facebook is stupid.

But one question though - You may have your profile set to "only friends", but do you also allow some of your networks to see your page too? Because I was under the impression that only my friends could see my profile too, but I also checked off the box that said some of my networks were allowed. Of course I changed this as soon as I found out […snipped out some personal stuff of Monica’s].

I think that after this weekend (or sometime in the not so distant future), we should call a moratorium on anything Crappy Candlemaker related. I'm sure he'll come up on conversation from time to time, which is completely normal. But, analyzing and trying to think of the "what if's" will get you nowhere. And you are a wonderful person with so many amazing qualities, and I don't want you to miss an opportunity to show that to some other perfectly un-crappy guy because we're too busy trying to wonder why Crappy is so....crappy! :) The way he treated you is completely unacceptable. Whether he was interested you or not is not the primary issue here. The bottom line is that he didn't give you the closure that you needed. How do you go from making out with someone one night to ignoring texts and voice mails the next night? When did that become OK? What a jerk. Seriously.

And in my opinion, anyone who collects friends on facebook at such an alarming rate as he does is a big weirdo. Further, anyone who broadcasts their life on facebook is a bigger weirdo. Crappy, I really don't want to know what you're watching on TV on a certain night (I really do remember seeing something about this on his calendar once) or when you're going to lunch with another one of your crappy friends so you can talk about all the crappy things you do to girls. Seriously, I really don't care. And I doubt anyone else does either. Keep those trivial and pathetic little details about your life to yourself. The only person who really cares about that sort of stuff is YOU. And that's because you're crappy.

I think you need to take a night or two to fully digest the relationship in its entirety. And really think about how some of his actions and words affected you. Some might have affected you in a great way (didn't he make a sexual comment about giving you a good work out? If he wasn't so crappy, I would say that comment could've made me swoon for days!) and some might have affected you in a not so great way. ("Uh, Jen...this is uh...[CC]. Yeah, I'm not going to be able to make it tonight. Please uh...make other plans." Jerk. CRAPPY jerk.) [Note: that voicemail, nicely paraphrased by Monica, is about a date he cancelled, about a week before he stood me up – when he stood me up he didn’t even bother to call to cancel.]

And once you've thought about all that, think about how much of a better person you are for 1) having known him and 2.) knowing him and STILL coming to the realization that you are better off without him.

I really don't think he's mature enough to handle a relationship. I really don't. I feel like for guys, there's a reason why they're perpetually single. As much as they say they want to be in a committed relationship, they're just not ready. Nor do they have the emotional intelligence to handle one. It's different for a girl that's perpetually single, because come on! Look what we're up against! Guys that ignore phone calls and texts, guys that cancel dates at the last minute and think they're doing us a favor by doing it a few hours in advance so we can make other plans...and the most annoying of all, guys that call you "pumpkin" or berate you over e-mail when you say you're not interested. wtf! The odds are not in our favor.

In any case, I think I've written a novel here. But the point I'm trying to make is, as cliche as this sounds, you are better than him. Understand that, and then move on. You so deserve a guy that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. We all deserve that, really. :)

How are you feeling about all of this??"

2009-03-30T23:01:00.004-04:00

Before I launch this blog and dive into my dating shenanigans, I thought it would be helpful to give a little bit of background about me.

Key facts: I am originally from the Detroit area, and have lived in Chicago for over seven years. I am 34 years old, I work in sales for a major internet-based company, and I have two cats.

Relationship history: A little bit harder to put into a concise paragraph.

Chicago has proven to be a tough dating scene. When I moved here, I was excited, thinking the city would be full of young, single people, and dating would be a breeze. There are definitely lots of young, single people, and I’ve dated my fair share of the men. Some (two) relationships have lasted a few months or longer; most don’t even reach what I would consider “relationship” status – just as I start to get close to someone, everything falls apart (read: they stop calling) (or, I decide I’m not interested – but I at least call if that’s the case).

Before I moved to Chicago, I had one long-term relationship. In college I was told either “you act too desperate” or “you act like you don’t care at all” which I found confusing, and I remained single throughout – though not necessarily celibate. You know how college is. After college, I met a guy, and for various reasons that I’ve already discussed with my therapist, I stayed with him and married him. It became clear VERY quickly (like, on the wedding night) that that was a very bad idea, and we spent the next couple of months talking about it, and then I left. So, I’ve been divorced, but I don’t feel like I’ve ever been married.

When I got divorced, I decided that I’d much rather be single for the rest of my life than in a bad relationship again. And I still believe that to this day. It would be nice to meet a guy that I can have a great relationship with; in the meantime, I’m not going to settle. I keep picking myself up and getting back there into the dating scene. Sometimes my heart gets broken, and sometimes, I’m afraid, I’ve broken hearts. One of these times, I’ll meet the right person, and no one’s heart has to break. Right?

2009-03-27T15:09:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago I exchanged business cards with a guy, Derek*, at a networking event. He emailed me, I emailed him back, and we attempted to arrange a happy hour with a couple friends (he is interested in meeting my friend Karen who works in the industry in which he wants to work). We actually did set a date, but I backed out at the last minute because I was not sure if he was interested in me for networking or for dating, and at the time, I was dating the guy mentioned in my previous post.

(That can be a topic for a future discussion -- dating multiple guys at once: good or bad idea?)

Obviously things did not go well with previous-post guy, so I felt no qualms in rescheduling the happy hour with Derek for this past Wednesday. I brought Karen, and told Derek to feel free to bring friends. I didn't remember much about this guy -- I had met him as I was leaving the networking event, and talked to him for about 5 minutes, and just remembered that he was cute and smelled nice. Our emails had been flirty but short.

He showed up to happy hour an hour and a half late with two girls, whom he had also met at the networking event. He sat down next to me and started talking to Karen, so I chatted with the two girls, who were actually great fun. At some point, a third girl arrived, and Derek re-focused his attention 100% onto her.

Karen and I left about an hour later, cracking up over the whole situation. It's true that this wasn't exactly a date, but we were pretty surprised to see the harem arrive. And Derek did still smell really good, but I wasn't finding myself physically attracted to him, so I just found the whole thing funny. As we were leaving, Derek tore himself away from the third girl and told me he was sorry we didn't have a chance to talk, and next time we'd have to do something more "intimate." I just said sure, and left. Color me surprised when I received a text from him that night, saying he wished we'd had more time to chat, and we should do it again. And then last night: "next time we should go to [restaurant we had mentioned in our emails] :)"

Usually I would just let it go (another future topic: the blow-off as an acceptable form of rejection?), but since I just started this blog, I decided to see what happens. I texted back today with "sounds good :)" (actually, just as I sent it I realized I had typed "souns good" -- oops! And here I am a stickler for spelling and grammar). We'll see what happens . . . and I will post all about it here!

*I want to protect the privacy of anyone mentioned in this blog, so unless otherwise indicated, every name I mention (except my own) will be a psuedonym.

2009-03-25T21:37:00.002-04:00

Welcome to my blog. I decided to start writing about my dating experiences the other day, when I was subjected to one of the more humiliating methods of "I'm just not that into you" -- being stood up. This guy had seemed like such a good prospect until these last few days, when he suddenly fell off the face of the earth. And you know what? I'm really tired of that happening. I got ANGRY. I left him a voice mail telling him that I'm really confused, but I'm not stupid and I understood where I stand with him (nowhere, basically). That helped me a lot and gave me closure, but I still felt like something needed to be done. I mean, in general. I'm sure women do this to men too, but from my point of view, what I see is men doing this to women all the time.

So I decided to write about it. One of my weaknesses is a desire to tell everyone my stories and overanalyze them to the point where I don't even know my own feelings anymore. And I've been trying to repress that desire, but I decided, why? Why not give into it? And so I've created the ultimate place to overanalyze, talk about my (and others') experiences, and find out if maybe in the process I can learn something about myself and maybe even have some fun with dating (because right now, honestly, it feels like a chore).

Today is March 25, and I'll launch this site on April 1, which seems a fitting date for this kind of thing. I'm committed to seeing it through for a year, and posting often to give updates on any dates I go on, my thoughts about how they went, and my never-ending cycle of mental processes that probably trip me up in every new relationship. I want to hear from others on what they think, and the experiences they've had, and where they think I'm going wrong (I know, it's possible I'm not doing anything wrong at all, but that I'm just meeting guys at the wrong time or who are not right for me or whatever, but still, let's talk about it).

Between today and April 1 I'll update the site with some stories and information about me, so that when this all starts I won't be a stranger and there will be a few posts to read. I look forward to giving into my bad habit of over-thinking, and to the comments from the women and men out there who are maybe just as confused as I am.